Me on 19 Sept

Its been a while since i wrote. Many events has unfolded. Some happy, many unhappy ones. Am I the only person that feels down for every little set back in life? I break at almost everything. I myself think that I'm such a sensitive person. I'm not a accustomed to certain situation. Therefore, it makes me uncomfortable to face it. I dont like being questioned. I have always had some autonomy one way or the other. Being under someones fingers is not a way to live.

How do all of us live through the bad days. I try to cheer myself and yet my thoughts go back to the issue at hand. I was a person who used to takes things easy and face it with courage and strength. And yet, here i sit today worrying over every little things, especially work related. What happened to me over the years. I'm not sure. I havent been successful in finding myself. How many of us go through this?

I see the people around me with smiles nd joy. Is it fake? Are they trying to mask their sorrow like me. I have no one that I could truly share my feelings with. Its such a bump when you are about to open up but the other person hogs all the time and you forget what you were going to say or simply decide not to since the other person needs you. I need someone too. Someone who would listen to me. Just listen. I need to know that what I'm feeling is natural. Is it?

Im not sure what kind of life I'm living. Its full of unpleasant things. Of course its micro compared to what others go through. Its not so much about the issue. Its the fear that accompanies it. The issue is solvable most of the time. Its the aftermath that is so uncomfortable. Do I have a phychological prroblem that needds to be addressed. I have on previous occasion considered seeking a shrink for depression and the constant suicidal thoughts but I got out of it myself. Yes, suicide is always in my mind. It doesnt seems like an easy way out but it is an option to end this meaningless life in the hope of embarking on a new one. No one would notice my dissapearance. At most, 3 days of mourning and life moves on. I know I have not made an impact in anyone's life for them to miss me.

I watched the next top model shows. Whether it was staged or not, it sure did help me realise some of the feeling I'm going through is nature. I'm an ugly duckling. A fat one that is. I used to be a slim, high confident girl, now I'm an ugly fat woman. How did it happen? I was constant told of that. My former boyfriend said it. My mother says it. Who else needs to say it. She constantly reminds me that I'm fat. Whenever I eat that is. How to tough it out. I have friends who are fat and yet have found a partner. Should that be motivating?

Where am i leading?