Me on 31 Dec

There's few more hours before the year ends. Thinking back what have I achieved in the whole year, can't really be proud. Of course there was the unexpected promotion and events t work but on the personal front things are the same as it has been for the past few years. I tried to take my mind of how depressing these past few years has been.

i spent few hours at the spa, relaxing. Now I'm at home alone. Everyone has gone to the hospital to visit my uncle who is admitted in the ICU for brain hemorrhage. I myself not feeling well. Yet, I'm longing to go out but I have no one to ask out. Everyone is busy with their personal lives, family, husband, wife etc. Knowing that I'm going spend this new year eve alone at home watching TV is depressing enough. What has happened to me in this past few years?

Where did the out going popular girl go? Who is this boring, single, depressed woman that's typing this? The year didn't bring much that I would truly cherish. Of course there are few moments of happiness and joy but then overall its was just a ok year for me. I went through lots of heartache at work as well as personal. Maybe its time to reflect on those moments and make mends for the future. What does the future hold for me? Will I ever find someone for myself? Will I be spending next year's eve with a companion? So many questions, so many uncertainty.

Life has definitely taught me lots of valuable lessons. Everyday has been a learning day for me. SO many tests, predicament, ups and downs. I hope I would be able to use these lessons to uplift myself in the coming years. Sitting here, typing this blog, makes my mind ponder to nothingness. Should I think of the past year, my eyes tears up. My mind just dissolved into blank vision cos there is nothing much to ponder about this past year. Everyone around me has a pretty good year with lots of good things happening in their lives. Me? Nothing. Period.

I'm still hoping that someone might call and ask me out to celebrate the evening but then deep down I know that no ones going to call. I half hope the guys at least messages me for the new year yet again deep down I know I'm dreaming high. Pathetic. Lets hope the new year brings better prospect..

Me on 28 Dec

I'm doing better than I was yesterday. I did get scolded by my boss who indirectly called me dumb and embarrased me in front of other staff. I had nothing to say. Upset yes but life goes on right? My thoughts were with a little girl that passed away 2 days ago due to dengue. Such a waste of young promising life. I've met her once. Vibrant girl with sweet smile.

Who to blame? The parents for negligence? Unawareness? How could you take a sick child abroad for holidays? How did they miss her sickness? So many question run through my mind. Then again, god loved her more i guess. May her soul rest in peace and moves on to a better place.

Life is short. We don't know whats going to happpen the next minute. The ceiling might collapse on me right this moment. Often, we don't realise this simple fact and allow ourselves to dwell in the moment's hardness. I'm trying to pick myself up and live the moment.

Today, as I was checking my facebook I noticed a friend request. He was my past admirer, now married with a daughter. How life zoomed past us. If I had given him a chance, it would have been my daughter wouldn't it? Does it work that way? I'm still thinking if I should allow him as my friend. What if he laughs at me for being single? What if he teases me for not marrying him? Can I take the heart break? I'm not sure.

Many say single life is much better. Few disagrees. Maybe only a married person could tell the difference. I yearn for a companion. Being alone suits up to a certain age only. Thereafter, you need someone to share your ups and downs. Will I get a companion? Emmm... Tired of the wait. How long more? Time will tell?

Waiting.. Tick, tick, tick ...

Poem

Lonely Life


Lonely on the land I walk,
Lonely cross the sea I sail,
Lonely air of beach I stroll:
This lonely life doth take its toll.


Lonely trek of woodland trail,
Lonely mist in haze o’ dawn,
Lonely spies the bird of prey
In lonely circles all astray.


Lonely be such dark of night
When sleep is but a yearning wish,
To dream of sweet companions close,
As wine would pair with diner's dish.


Lonely do these thoughts me make
That draw my blood of precious life:
Replace with stream of flowing pain
To bless my veins with coursing strife.


Lonely years are now my friends,
Lonely cries bereft of sound,
Lonely tears that cool my face:
In lonely life of sullen pace.



From: Succumbed to Thinking by Mark Raymond Slaughter, lulu.com
Copyright © Mark Raymond Slaughter 2009
All rights reserved

Me on 26 Dec

Its been ages since i wrote. Not that I've been having the time of my life. Life has been pretty smooth with more downs than ups. I've been retorting to prayers mostly to get through my days. I've been asking for peace of mind. I have been confused and bugged all this while. In fact, I still do right this very moment.


Whats bothering me? Good question. I'm not sure where I should begin. I'm still single trying to find the right guy, just not sure where to look.. I have a heart for this guy who works for my close friend. She has told me previously that she has suggested to him that he asks me out but I never asked her what was his answer. Now, I have taken a liking to him and is afraid to voice out my feelings neither to him nor my close friend. I have hinted on this to my friend but she remains deaf ears.

I have been constantly thinking of him everyday and night. The feeling has started to hurt. I'm all for destiny and faith but somewhere deep inside me I think that I should make the first move regardless of the result. Other that, finances has been very tight this past months what being it holiday season and all. I'm thinking of a plan to cut down my expenses and concentrate on settling my way over the limit credit cards bills. I use to be a person who hated using cards, preferring to stick to cash but shit happens. Started with one can and BAMMMM!!!!! I'm the stupid dumb owner of 3 cards!

If you are reading this, please take this advice. Use cash. If you have no cash, then don't buy anything. Don't be tempted into getting a card AT ALL! Sincere advice from a person who is crashing with bills. Yet, the finance matters seems to be overrun by my feeling for the guy. How blunt can I be? On one side, I'm afraid of his answer. What if he doesn't like me? OUCH! That sure hurts like hell. Probably might hurt more than the pain of not telling him how I feel.

Emm...I'm leaving for now with this heavy thoughts...