Me on 03 Jan

I truly learnt the meaning of life these past few days. Someone I know was admitted in hospital. He slipped into coma. Doctor's said he is just waiting to part. I had to live through few days fearing every phone ring, every message. He wasn't getting better and doctor's has given up. Of course the pain wasn't the same as the others close to him felt but then, the pain was definitely there. For him and for the future deaths. I have always had a problem dealing with death. I cant face it. My own, I will receive it with open arms but other? No..

Finally the reality hit me and I prayed. I prayed to god to bless his soul and be with him when he passes. His family did the same thing and he passed peacefully. Everything came to an end yesterday and today, he has peacefully moved on to the ether world. May his soul rest in peace. It was such a hard thing to watch, another life just slips pass you. How do one deal with death? With much courage. I wasn't sure what was that upsets me most. Still not sure.

Even during the funeral my mind was divided. Should I say good bye or should tend to the annoying messages I was getting from my boss. Small matter that as usual she blew out of proportion. She at least had the decency to stop messaging me after i replied but once I came home after the funeral, she drilled me and said that my explanation is not acceptable and I am to see her first thing when I report to work. Such a blow out.

I was so distressed. She could have solve it. She could have asked me to see her in person and explain, but NO. She had to send me a sarcastic message showing me who's the boss.. Well, you know what they say 'no one is spared, no situation is compromised'.

When I think of all this, I feel like the earthly matters are not my cup of tea. I want something beyond this petty minute matters. I want to feel god, experience him. I want a life beyond this. How do I achieve it? When will I truly be spiritually ready for this matters. I feel fed up of all this trivial. Is this what life is all about? Earthly nonsense. Are emotions irrelevant? I spent the past few days crying and I still feel like crying. When I got the message, I wanted to shout out, freak out, scream at the top of my lungs. Maybe god should have spared the person's life and take mine instead. I have not achieved anything neither I have independents. At least he could have spend more time with his family.

What is god's calculation? Where is my life heading to???