Me on 19 Sept

Its been a while since i wrote. Many events has unfolded. Some happy, many unhappy ones. Am I the only person that feels down for every little set back in life? I break at almost everything. I myself think that I'm such a sensitive person. I'm not a accustomed to certain situation. Therefore, it makes me uncomfortable to face it. I dont like being questioned. I have always had some autonomy one way or the other. Being under someones fingers is not a way to live.

How do all of us live through the bad days. I try to cheer myself and yet my thoughts go back to the issue at hand. I was a person who used to takes things easy and face it with courage and strength. And yet, here i sit today worrying over every little things, especially work related. What happened to me over the years. I'm not sure. I havent been successful in finding myself. How many of us go through this?

I see the people around me with smiles nd joy. Is it fake? Are they trying to mask their sorrow like me. I have no one that I could truly share my feelings with. Its such a bump when you are about to open up but the other person hogs all the time and you forget what you were going to say or simply decide not to since the other person needs you. I need someone too. Someone who would listen to me. Just listen. I need to know that what I'm feeling is natural. Is it?

Im not sure what kind of life I'm living. Its full of unpleasant things. Of course its micro compared to what others go through. Its not so much about the issue. Its the fear that accompanies it. The issue is solvable most of the time. Its the aftermath that is so uncomfortable. Do I have a phychological prroblem that needds to be addressed. I have on previous occasion considered seeking a shrink for depression and the constant suicidal thoughts but I got out of it myself. Yes, suicide is always in my mind. It doesnt seems like an easy way out but it is an option to end this meaningless life in the hope of embarking on a new one. No one would notice my dissapearance. At most, 3 days of mourning and life moves on. I know I have not made an impact in anyone's life for them to miss me.

I watched the next top model shows. Whether it was staged or not, it sure did help me realise some of the feeling I'm going through is nature. I'm an ugly duckling. A fat one that is. I used to be a slim, high confident girl, now I'm an ugly fat woman. How did it happen? I was constant told of that. My former boyfriend said it. My mother says it. Who else needs to say it. She constantly reminds me that I'm fat. Whenever I eat that is. How to tough it out. I have friends who are fat and yet have found a partner. Should that be motivating?

Where am i leading?

Loneliness

Being apart and lonely is like rain.
It climbs toward evening from the ocean plains;
from flat places, rolling and remote, it climbs
to heaven, which is its old abode.
And only when leaving heaven drops upon the city.

It rains down on us in those twittering
hours when the streets turn their faces to the dawn,
and when two bodies who have found nothing,
dissapointed and depressed, roll over;
and when two people who despise eachother
have to sleep together in one bed-
that is when loneliness receives the rivers...


Rainer Maria Rilke

Me on 11 Sept

Loneliness has finally catches up with me during this long weekend of eid celebration. It feels utterly pathetic that I have no friends to hang out regularly with. All my good friends are married. I have been having trouble finding the right person. So, loneliness is all I have. I have to wait for someone to ask me out at their leisure time. What kind of life is that? Pathetic would be the right one!


Go out and make new friends you say? Where? Can I walk into a club alone and start mingling? How lame is that. I wouldn't be getting a friend. I might pick up 1 or 2 one niter. Genuine friends are hard to come by. I had a few of them but they have carried on with their lives. Loneliness could be so consuming. I have previously questioned my very existence and I'm doing it again today. What is my purpose in life. Why am i put here, in this cruel world. Till when will this will continue...

Rain, Rain

At first I couldn't get enough,

Now I just can't make it stop.

No rain in the desert that was rough,

Around here there's no dry spot.

It's been raining everyday,

Since I came back to my home.

The sunshine just can't seem to stay,

Hurricanes and storms, won't leave us alone.

I like the rain like everyone,

But it's been over done a bit.

We'll need a boat before we're done,
I'm about to throw a fit.

There's a fish just swimming by,
Waving his soggy fin at me.
All I could muster was a 'hi',
From my perch up in the tree.

 

Leprechaun

A Leprechaun is a small sprite that lives in farmhouses or wine cellars. Like Brownies they aid humans and accomplish small labours for them, they ask humans for supplies and furniture in return they give objects that bring luck and fortune. Leprechauns are described as merry little fellows that dress in old-fashioned green clothes with buckled shoes and they wear a red cap. They are known as fairy cobblers, as they make shoes for other elves.

They never make a pair of shoes they only make one. Popular belief is that a leprechaun possesses a treasure, which a human can obtain if they succeed in capturing one, which is very difficult. Leprechauns are mainly found in Irish folklore but do appear in other countries.

Serpent of Koshi

The Serpent of Koshi is a gigantic Japanese serpent with eight heads and eight tails. Each head has two red eyes; the size of the beast was large enough to cover eight hills and valleys. It was so large that trees and other vegetation grew upon its back.

The serpent liked to eat young maidens one every year until the eighth year where a the serpent was slain by a knight that lured the serpent to drink rice wine which sent the beast to sleep then the knight cut off the serpents eight heads.

Naga

Nagas originate from India they are serpents of the waters. These creatures take different forms some are all serpent with many heads others have serpent tails and the upper body is human others are human looking but with a snakes head. Nagas are guardians of treasure hidden with the earth. It is said they are able to control the weather.

There are different types of Naga

Hidden Nagas - Guardians of treasure in the earth.

Water Nagas - they live in springs, river & lakes and have palaces of gold, rubies and emeralds.

Divine Nagas - Are of the sky they form the clouds.

Heavenly Nagas - they guard the temples of the gods.